Sunday, July 24, 2016

strats 2016

******************************************************************************************  TS, TR, AI, SV, EI, NI, LR ( gera cup maps ) *************
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extra notes; Masanory upgrades!!!! Speed up the tech on paladin bo, see the results
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VS HUMAN | banish/flame/flame/drain/flame  ( banish only to harass lvl 1 and to take expansion safely by banishing WE's )
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bloodmage footmen start ; banish 1st; watch human closely from all sides with bloodmage and footmen, dont take damage. When he commits to orange camp jack him INSTANTLY and banish his WE. *TIMING VERY IMPORTANT*. Buy boots/staff 100%. Farm same time with militia, and aim for lvl 3 bloodmage easy.
Defend your base!
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1. human expanded t1 = keep making footmen, add priests with dispel, ivory tower counter expansion with banish. Rush tier 3 knights + few copters
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2. human normal = get level 3 from any source. Make breakers only and tech tier 3. Use 1 breaker to always scout where human is, with everybody else go into human base and staff in, flamestrike peasants/farms. ( buy mana pot ) TP out. Do zeppelin drop + shredder/units if available. Defend 100% full force if human is all inning your base. Do not trade!!!!
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3. human tier 2 expansion = Split into 2 groups. Footmen go to expansion/main, breakers go to main/expasion. Go with bloodmage to expansion and flamestrike, once human comes, staff to breakers and kill his main base. TP out. Repeat. ( easy with constant breaker scout ) get knights and counter expand or right click his expansion town hall and kill it. (if ahead by alot)

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VS ELF | drain mage
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archmage footmen start or bloodmage footmen ; go into riflecasters or rifles only with armor upgrades + Alchemist 2nd ( with bloodmage )

AM start = farm lvl 2, get boots, attack only to cancel buildings if at all

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VS ORC |  24 food tech footmen start/closed base.
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pala start into bloodmage rifles ; or bloodmage footmen start into pala rifles ( open maps, where its too dangerous to farm AT ALL )

Need 2 heroes to expand onto the map, so do the fast tech 3:00 with rifle start if going for the paladin ( ts,ai?,ei?,ni,lr? )

Orc aggressive t1 = Wait until night, and then militia suicide into nearby shop + buy dust. / if not close, wait until bloodmage is made
orc passive = just farm greens and then again once night suicide into nearby shop and buy dust. Right click blade whenever he comes and surround Paladin

Options for later ; suicide into burrows tp out / call all militia once at least 0/2 rifles and shop control (for healscrolls), block orc and all in.
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VS UNDEAD | fast tech 3:00 with rifle start
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paladin bloodmage 2nd . *Dont be lazy and pimp out rifles 0/2 and 0/3 later, or else they are free feed. ( same as gryphs )*
Contest the camps on the map, bloodmage zones with siphon mana. ( prioritize shops etc. ), once you win a fight by provoking the undead ( you will due to t2 upgrades ), take red camps and other priority camps.
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If undead is not harassing instantly, pull everything go to biggest camp around. Punish their waste of time. If he allows my paladin to get fed, I dont need to be fair and can just go buy myself staff/boots and gay him all day all night, while I wait for bloodmage to be made ( delayed )
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farm on map left = rifles + stay t2 , finish all the upgrades + stack items ( healscrolls, invul pots ).
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Once 2/2 rifles and 50 food = build 2nd barax
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No farm on map left or nearly / good advantage over undead = tech t3 and build 3 aviaries
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Undead stuck in base = expand,but only worth expanding if you have gryphons and t3 available.
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Friday, July 22, 2016

More more more more more more

Wake up
Decide on what do you want in life, at least approximately
Use your current knowledge and experience to figure out the best ways you can contribute to those goals TODAY
Then you have no real excuse not to do those things anymore. If you actually decide on the best ways to achieve your goal, what kind of excuse do you have not to do it? Just dont think of the things you think you are unable to do, and do what you think you are able to do

Suddenly your life is moving into direction you want. The speed depends, but you are moving, and that is hope and possitive feelings which will only make you stronger

EASY LIFE

Thursday, July 21, 2016

This is good, but what is best in life?

Playing league of legends - pretty fun, pretty challenging. But why do it? its not that groundbreakingly fun. My reasoning was to have a project/plan involving it, making a good popular guide and tying up some loose knots etc.. But this plan doesn't actually lead to anywhere, it doesn't grow. IT IS SHIT

If I were to stop and think about what is fun, I could think of a dozen of things which I could get up and do or sit down ( at a computer ) and just do. But I don't want to, they feel empty and lifeless. I always brushed it off as depression or some other kind of excuse, but what it actually is, is my body telling me, IT DOESN'T LEAD ANYWHERE!!! DON'T DO IT!!! "this is good, but what is best in life?" this is what my body asks me

I could play Test drive and film walkthroughs, I could play all of my favourite racing games, all of my favourite old FPS games, I could sit down and grind a street fighter or any other fighter game to get good at in few years, I could play league and make guides and kick ass in top lane, I could cook delicious food sit down and play visual novels all day, I could install MTA and just drift around the mountains all day beating scrubs with my extreme drifting technique, I could aim to beat the classic games on SNES both the rpgs and the hard action games, I could grind tohou, I could go lay down under a tree, I could go for a walk, I could go to any river or lake and go for a swim, I could go take a hot bath right now, I could eat ice cream and chill, I could go on adventure, I could travel, I could learn a language . IT DOESN'T MATTER, all of those things feel good, but they all FAIL at ONE IMPORTANT THING WHICH IS THE MAIN MOTIVATION, THE MAIN REASON TO DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which is

They do not grow into anything, they do not expand into anything out there, they do not connect me to the world of opportunity.

And I mean ME. I am bad at most of those things. I am not an extraordinary traveler or entertaining gamer personality. I cannot grow any of these things into something bigger out there!

There are 2 options. Be a marketer / support kind of person who takes ideas and grows them, or be a passion / skilled person who enjoys excelling at things and those things marketing him by themselves. I am the second category 90% and marketer only like 10%

I want to be connected to life by my skills and abilities. So why the fuck do I use my time on anything else? Being connected in life, out there in the sea of opportunity and life. THAT IS THE BEST!! That is the feeling of freedom joy and being alive and purpose

This is what gives reason and purpose to wake up and train, this is the source of all of this DIVINE power.
-------------

Just some more analysis and examples from my life when it comes to this feeling :

Back a as a super tiny kid (10years old~) I dreamed of joining a foot ball team in the city and playing football. Now that I analyse that memory, it was because I thought that in the city i'd be connected to life and I could prove myself with my skills, train hard and grow/participate in life. This is why I wanted to be on a football team.

When I was 13 years old, I started playing warcraft 3. My main motivation was to have a thing I could do everyday, something I could invest my time on instead of wasting my time on, on simple pleasures. I wanted to grow and train, be cool, strong, and become independant with my ability once I win tournaments. I felt like everything DEPENDS ON ME, and if it does, then I CAN DO IT!! I can live this fucking life, I am SOMEBODY, I CAN DO THIS, I CAN JOIN THE LIFE WITH MY SKILLS, and not have to do bullshit jobs and school which everybody says for you to do. I wanted to carve my own path, with my own sweat


Those were my childhood motivations for things. I don't believe they ever change, maybe in everybody. I always look back at my child hood for clarity and inspiration on how my feelings work. And in this case, it is true once again, my feelings haven't changed.

So what do I do now to actually live a life worthy of my motivations and dreams?
What is best in life?

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Is it even possible

Is it even possible to feel bad if you are able to do what you want?
( and in worst case, if you know what you want, but you cant do it now, then it becomes a legit motivating goal to reach that thing, or you can always find an alternative to the thing which you want and deal with it after some time of grief )

I don't know, doesn't seem so right now.

If I think about it. All the things which used to stress me out, or still do, things which make me feel powerless or lose motivation etc. They all have one thing in common - I don't actually give a shit about them. I JUST DONT WANT TO DO THEM!!!!!!!!!!! WOWWWWW

ITS SO SIMPLE, YET, so hard to come to a real realization about it.

The previous list I made was still toooo PUSSIFIED, too NORMAL, too little ME in there.


UPDATES:

Exploration / sense of adventure/ excitement / new ideas / fresh inspiration / discovery / Satisfaction / fulfillment / purpose

1. Read "Think and grow rich"
2. Grab a notepad and go outside.
3. Organize / write on blog
4. Night walk

Joy / fun / self expression / focused on the moment / challenge

1. Warcraft 3 + wc3 related things ( commentary, replay recording, guide improvement )
2. Finish Rally xtreme + stream/video it. ( make a new blog page where I track progress )
3. League of Legends ( garen only, guide improvement )
4. Take a hot bath and lay down / go for a walk /  or take a cold shower ( variation LOL )
5. Work out in any way

Taking it easy / taking time to yourself / do nothing special at all / feel cozy

1.  Play "the longest journey"
2. Cook food and eat it in peace
3. Watch anime

Dealing with problems / issues / GHAY THINGS FUCK THIS SHIT AHHHHH

1. Look for a job and FIND ONE!!!
** extra motivation ** 
Why do this?
To pay off the debt, to be free, to be able to travel, to buy new PC gear and kick ass, to explore new possibilities in life, to save up for the future business, to help Julie and family if need to, to fund my own ideas, save up for that sweet ride, for that sweet vacation anywhere, for a fight stick to own all those nerds in street fighter, for a fucking dakimura LOL, for a expensive matress, for fabulous clothes and shoes, for plane tickets to anywhere in the world and GO OOUT THERE, to fund nerds like me in tough times, to feel like a part of society. It is all for the greater good
** extra motivation /end **

Companionship / friendship / connection with others

1. Talk and hang out with Julie !!!
2. meet with contempt

=============================================


With these slight updates the list is much better. Now when I look at ANY point in the list, I can actually imagine myself doing it and not feeling BAD LOL

( learning german, normal looking for work ~~ etc.... )

I JUST DONT CARE.. I WANNA DO OTHER STUFF. EARN THE PAPER AND START MY BUSINESS LATER IN LIFE AND PRACTICE FOR IT, WHILE PLAYING GAMES AND HANGING OUT WITH MY DEAR JULIE. FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE !!! SERIOUSLY SO SIMPLE!!!!!!!!!!!


This is fucking cool video. Skull girls is a fighting game, but this character can go into trumpet mode and they made a song together hahahha

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Stress free way of living



The morning routine, a way to start a day


It is the most important thing basically. Start good, and you are on the roll. Need to brain wash myself to get into this right step every time I wake up, no matter the time of the day. A lot of that depends on the night before sleep as well. I talked a lot about listening to yourself and satisfying your feelings in the way that you find satisfactory, and the best way to listen to what you are feeling is to just get up and do something and then see what you are feeling while/after doing that. Hence the morning routine is even BETTER for these things. BE STRAIGHT FORWARD. THAT IS HOW I AM. TOO MANY OPTIONS IS STRESSFUL AND BAD AHHH

  1.  GET UP QUICK!!!!!!! JUMP OUT OF THE BED!!!!! AHH BED IS ON FIRE
  2. ROLL MY EYES AROUND!!! ( impossible to be sleepy if you do that )
BAM FINISHED. After that I am actually functioning and not being sucked in by bed as always

Before sleep :

  1. hot bath/shower
  2. brush teeth/shave/take it easy
  3. turn off the computer PLEASEEEEE
If this is done, my day quality will go up by 999999999% and you know that

====================================================================

This is something what I should change over time as I get bored or fed up or finished with things. But for now it should stay the way I write it and commit to these things!!
====================================================================


Exploration / sense of adventure/ excitement / new ideas / fresh inspiration / discovery / Satisfaction / fulfillment / purpose

1. Read "Think and grow rich"
2. Grab a notepad and go outside.
3. Organize
4. Night walk

Joy / fun / self expression / focused on the moment / challenge

1. Warcraft 3 + wc3 related things ( commentary, replay recording, guide improvement )
2. Finish Rally xtreme + stream/video it. ( make a new blog page where I track progress )
3. League of Legends ( garen only, guide improvement )

Taking it easy / taking time to yourself / do nothing special at all / feel cozy

1.  Play "the longest journey"
2. Cook and eat something tasty, get comfortable
3. HANDS OFF COMPUTER PLEASE!!!!

Dealing with problems / issues

1. Look for a job
2. Go jogging and light strength exercises
3. Write on the blog
4. Learn some german

Companionship / friendship / connection with others

1. Talk and hang out with Julie !!!
2. meet with contempt

Monday, July 18, 2016

Thoughts, self improvement, realization

MAKE THEM UP YOURSELF 
Games

Writing games

Creativity games

Relaxing games

Morning routine games

Getting motivated for work games

Socializing games

Opening up and finding what you want games

Self expression games

Self improvement games
==================

Being open, looking into your heart and just asking what do you need, instead of going all logical and discussional about everything

do you think there is something out there to figure out, to think of, some kind of solution to your problems which you can solve by thinking and by 

being logical, or to find out there, somewhere?

The feeling you felt when we got very close, the feeling when you played tohou and simply had fun. How did it feel, and why?


Fact is. There is nothing out there. Everything you need, you already have in you to live a happy life. Stuff out there, can only serve the purpose of 

reminding you of things you already have. What is even more important than that, is to stop being aiming for things out there and look into yourself, 

and the real issues you have with your current moment in life

"i want stability and want my life to go in the direction i want or else what's the point"

How would you feel, describe to me a stable Julies life?

What is stopping you from feeling that way now?  

Why not live a stable life starting RIGHT NOW? 

Isn't it just an excuse. To tell yourself that the answer is out there somewhere, and avoid looking into yourself.

As it hurts and its HARD WORK, it strains your  mind to look into yourself. That is just a testament to how bad and untrained we are at it. But it is 

the most important thing out there 100% NO LIES 100% PROMISE

THERE IS NOTHING ELSE, but this when it comes to feeling good
----
Eradicate Fear by Taking Small, Relentless Steps. | 10 things before going to  bed, 10 when waking up. Find out what I need to do!!

Engage in activities that keep you in the moment.

Avoid the 24/7 always on lifestyle.

Turn off lights, music, news, equipment, and most importantly, the mind
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Train Your Brain with Visualization

To get yourself to do something that scares you, you need to visualize yourself doing it first. And you need to visualize it over and over because 

repetition is how your brain masters new skills.

And if you consistently visualize it every day (and all you really need is just thirty seconds daily), you’ll start to mentally master the action. Then 

all your body has to do is follow through.

The key to effective visualization is to involve excruciating detail.

You need to visualize what it’s going to look like just as much as what it’s going to sound, feel, and emote like. You also need to imagine how you’ll 

react to different possible scenarios, including the worst possible outcome.

What will you do if you fail? What will the alternative actions be? How will you feel?

When you mentally train yourself to deal with potential failure, you won’t give up when that bump in the road actually happens.
----
Run Toward the Pain

As human beings we naturally seek refuge in comfort.

Our minds and bodies are content following familiar patterns and routines, conserving energy and hiding from the scary unknown.

Unfortunately, that means we become dependent on external aids like smartphones to do difficult tasks and any strenuous thinking for us. This 

discomfort-avoiding behavior rubs off onto other areas of our lives: one minute you’re avoiding the pain of being alone by scrolling through Facebook, 

the next you may be avoiding your feelings after losing someone close to you, inhibiting your ability to move forward.
----
1. It is a powerful reminder to find a way to make the day count.
“Today is not over yet.”

“To honor and accept one’s shadow is a profound spiritual discipline. It’s whole-making and thus holy and the most important experience of a lifetime.”

We get super pissed off. Or we want to hide. Or we push away those we love, and wall off. We want to numb the pain. Or cover it up.

In reality when doing something, you feel calm or joy. That is the real THING THEN. Else you are trying to mask it with something else. ( negatives )

I was all that was left. And if that was it, then by God I was going to love her.
And what did loving myself really mean?
It meant accepting myself enough to allow myself to be a mess.
To not apologize 100 times for every single mistake, or kill myself over them.
To humbly say to others and myself, this is it.
And then, somehow, I started to accept others like myself. They got to be messes too. And my heart opened.

Know that after good experiences, “bad” things will happen.

After expansion, we always contract. And that means nothing about us.
Life brings us lemons so that we can discover how to go deeper and closer to our true selves. Once we’ve hit one level, there’s always another.
We can have some good days where everything is great, and then WHOA, something steps in that challenges us to grow.
I’ve come to accept that I will eventually lose momentum after being in the flow.
The good news about feeling bad is that when we get thrown off course, each letdown strengthens our spirit when we find our way out.
“Downtimes” are our ally. Without “bad,” “good” wouldn’t exist, and just like life, we learn to roll with it. What’s most important is how we acknowledge and validate our being human as truly enough.
“When fear wakes up inside, and there is no place to run away or hide from it, consider it a gift. In all the glory of that discomfort, know there is refuge in surrender.”
 “life is a constant cycle of tension and release.”
Attempting to control my life and to eliminate all painful situations did not cure my anxiety. If anything, it made it worse. So often the dread of doing things I didn’t want to do was ten times more painful than the actual task itself, but I was too caught up in my suffering to realize this.
The more I tried to push out the bad things in my life, the more I reinforced that they were intolerable, and the worse things began to seem. Slowly, this avoidance trap made my life smaller and smaller. Things became more and more painful, until I felt uncomfortable even at home.
Because of this, I would avoid situations where I could not take the steps I wanted to control my environment. Because I developed such strict standards for deeming my environment “safe,” I missed out on a lot.
Rushing, self victimization, blame, any feeling which is not POSSITIVE and USEFUL, is A MASK!!!!!!!! FOR CANCER FEELINGS AND FEAR, AND AVOIDING THE REAL ISSUE. The only moments when you get "work" done and improve yourself and how you feel, is when you focus on yourself and your feelings RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are a warm, intelligent woman—just live the best honest life you can.
===========================

Feelings which are important:
  1. Exploration / sense of adventure/ excitement / new ideas / fresh inspiration / discovery
  2. Joy / fun / self expression / focused on the moment / challenge
  3. Satisfaction / fulfillment / purpose
  4.  Taking it easy / taking time to yourself / do nothing special at all / feel cozy
  5. Dealing with problems / issues
  6. Companionship / friendship / connection with others


 So how do you feel those feelings in a way which is nice for yourself?




Friday, July 15, 2016

Food for thoughts | strict mental diet

 ( repost )




Actually dont even have inspiration to write about stuff which I wanted to do before. The stuff which would improve my life ...

All I have on my mind right now is the feeling of being lost and inferior. Feeling like not a man

I feel like a school shooter or someone who will kill himself, because of those sexual issues. It wasn't even important until I started thinking about it..

Fucking kill me......... but not really. I know it is just a passing weakness feeling, it will be nothing once I sleep... Sigh


-----

nope it came back... I ll sleep and see where it takes me. But all the stuff from last post, and some other things is pressing me down hard

Long unexposed feeling




For a while now this blog became more than just a private, ignored blog. I couldn't go all out, but that is not fair to myself and to the blog itself.
For a while now... pictures like these, or anything what reminds me of a beautiful female body shape... it just makes me want to kill myself so bad

Why?


  • Because I feel inadequate in this life, and this is a reminder.
  • It is a reminder of my inferiority and weakness
  • It is a reminder of my place in life
  • It is a reminder that everything is far away from me
  • It is a reminder that I have nothing
  • It is a reminder that I have to work for everything very hard
  • It is a reminder that all I have now, is just efforts and luck, I dont actually deserve anything
  • It is a reminder that even if I was "privileged" in some ways, I didn't utilize it at all, and didn't even want to. My chances flew away
  • It is a reminder that I am trapped. Not just physically, but completely in this existence. 


Beauty is a symbol to success.

I hate feeling so inadequate. I hate feeling so unreal. I hate being so childish. I hate being so isolated. I hate having to pitch myself. I hate having to prove myself AGAIN. I hate having to work for something people normally have....


Or do they?/

....

I am talking like such a loser

But this is how any resemblance of feminine beauty makes me feel.

Feeling not man enough for this world, makes me want to kill myself.

It makes me feel hopeless. Because If I am not man enough, all I can hope for at best is a comfortable life, while i'd rather die than knowing that I have no potential to become actually masculine.

It is I guess how trans people feel when they talk about being in a wrong body makes them feel terrible. Being a man, but not quite a man, makes me feel like I am not even supposed to be here. I feel like nothing, like trash, and that I should disappear.

It is a nostalgic feeling. I used to feel like this all the time in the past and even have a post about it from 5 or so years ago ( back in UK days )

That is all to really say about it. This is the feeling

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Childhood memory


There is one memory I always look back to from my childhood whenever I am thinking about "How to live a good life and be happy" .

I remember a summer day when I wake up, get up quickly and just instantly run outside, get on my bike and go to my best friends place and nag him and his parents to wake him up as I ride my bike in circles waiting to hang out and for the day to start. I was happy as a puppy, totally clean and pure mind.

Over the years I had many different ideas on why, what caused me to feel this way. I will not go on my past thoughts, cuz why bother with the failed ones, I will only forget what I am trying to say now. 
But right now I think it was because  of my friend. Not because he is such best person out there, but because he was simply my close friend, doing things and expressing yourself, only seemed WORTH ANYTHING if it was with somebody else. This feeling has never passed

Why do I like anime and games so much?

I dont like starting a game or starting an anime, because it feels empty and alone. BUT if I get into one, I cannot stop, I get the same amount of excitement as before when I was a kid. Because anime starts to feel like "friends" , games story starts to feel like "friends", trying hard and competing against someone in game feels kinda like self expression and "friends"

EVERY THING which has the smell/sense of "friends" to it, it feels GREAT!!

Right now I have a list of Projects and things which are relaxing. But I dont feel like doing most of those, because they are so SINGULAR, I dont want to be alone, I simply feel bored. I used to look down on this kind of attitude, because I thought it is dependant, and stupid. BUT IT JUST WORKS WHAT THE FUCK, IT JUST WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO IF IT JUST WORKS AND NOTHING ELSE DOES

I feel lacking in friendship, and get bored. WHENEVER I make a plan for anything, because all of my plans ISOLATE ME. THATS A SHIT PLAN THEN, it needs to be the opposite. 


Be with friends/people, and even more importantly, BE OPEN AND YOURSELF. The moment you stop doing that, the friends time becomes useless.

If I look back at all of my life events, I did it, because of friends being there/being involved. All my highschool, I WISHED I COULD HAVE FRIENDS, I was hyped for the club activities etc ( there were none as I found out ), in middle school I had friends like that, it was the time when I went to school everyday, and had a great time


Yeah thats a bout it
Tl;DR

DO STUFF NOT ALONE, IT IS JUST SIMPLY THE BEST. AND DONT FORGET TO BE 100% OPEN MOTHER FUCKER, TRY IT OUT

brings back some nice memories to see Casca again




But that conclusion is something I tried and came up with long time ago as well, it didn't work. I just tried right now. It is not the ideas fault thought, it is my incompetence. I am not able to tell my thoughts and what I want clearly enough. Thinking together with someone else and expecting them to reach out, is too RARE!!! I need to be far more direct and knowledgable to get those experiences, and not just for myself, but for the people involved


  1.  Think, research, THINK SOME MORE, decide on what I need / want. 
  2. THINK SOME MORE, AND ANALYZE how to achieve that 
  3. THINK SOME MORE how to describe it so its understandable to other people
  4. RETHINK IT TO MAKE IT NICE AND CLEAR
  5. Do a test run
  6. Polish it up
  7. THINK SOME MORE
  8. Go use it 

Seeing other people just go out there and connect, have friends. Its painful, but pain is an eye opener
---------

Been out, many thoughts, low time, so short version again

Logic = use it to maintain living situation, work, survive
Purpose, good feelings = be with people

There is nothing else. Find a standing point like this, something you believe defines your feelings and how to act on them. AND DO IT. Then atleast you are standing your ground and if anything is wrong, you cna update it, rather than get lost completely and be up in the air about everything

for too long ive been researching, looking for answers and ideas, but I never or rarely would just stop and DO SOMETHING, compile all my knowledge and do something I believe is RIGHT TO DO to feel good and live. I never really had the right answer, nothing was quite believable. Right now its different. I BELIEVE THIS IS RIGHT, and there is no need for further thinking about it anymore. What I need is experience and practice USING THIS IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM LEVEL 1 AT THIS, I SUCK. I MUST TRAIN. No wonder I feel inferior and isolated and in pain if i see other people LIVING. CUZ they are higher level, i am on the bototm. CLIMB UP FUISDFLODJvk.scv;dfdh

Wednesday, July 13, 2016


This picture is related very well to how I am feeling right now

------------




“Young people get the foolish idea that what is new for them must be new for everybody else too. No matter how unconventional they get, they're just repeating what others before them have done.” 
― Yukio MishimaAfter the Banquet

“When a boy…discovers that he is more given into introspection and consciousness of self than other boys his age, he easily falls into the error of believing it is because he is more mature than they. This was certainly a mistake in my case. Rather, it was because the other boys had no such need of understanding themselves as I had: they could be their natural selves, whereas I was to play a part, a fact that would require considerable understanding and study. So it was not my maturity but my sense of uneasiness, my uncertainty that was forcing me to gain control over my consciousness. Because such consciousness was simply a steppingstone to aberration and my present thinking was nothing but uncertain and haphazard guesswork.” 
― Yukio MishimaConfessions of a Mask



Anyway its cool and all to look at quotes, but it is a waste of time. If I am that interested, I should just read a book and read directly what he means and thinks. This is stupid

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Where do I belong?

A good article I just read. Spot on with what I was saying to myself all the time, but kept forgetting. It is nice to see someone else come to the same conclusion. If you want anything, commit. 

We all grow up a little out of place.
I can’t remember a single time in my youth when I was not hell-bent on the idea that as soon as I grew up, I’d figure out where I truly belonged. I mean, it certainly wasn’t in my hometown – I was a budding creative and a stimulation-starved extrovert being raised in a small, conservative town. I was convinced that geography was the only thing holding me back from the life of my dreams. As soon as I got out, I’d find my true place in the world. And I’d stay there forever.
This plan had some accuracy to it. Except the problem with escaping the life that you don’t want is settling on the life that you do. For years I roamed around – changing cities, changing life paths, changing my ideas of what I wanted the future to look like as often as most people change shirts. Some things seemed right – for a while I’d settle on one city, one partner, one career path – but something better always snuck into the back of my mind. ‘What next,’ became the mantra. Always where next, who next, what next.
I spent years searching for the place where I belonged. And I wasn’t alone. Every new city I travelled to, with every new plan I took on, I met others like me – people who felt eternally unsettled. “Where’s home?” We’d ask each other, and shrug as a response. Home had never been a place. Home was a vague, future destination we were all hoping to find. When we got there, we’d know it. That was one thing we always agreed on.
It took me a long time to recognize the intense veil of naivety under which I operated during that time in my life. I assumed, like so many others, that home was a physical destination and that its existence did not require my participation. I simply had to show up and it would be waiting for me. It was a basic game of Marco Polo. It didn’t occur to me that home was a subjective term. That belonging was a relevant experience. And that my never-ending search was precisely what was keeping me from belonging anywhere at all.
Here’s both the beauty and the madness of it all – there is no place in this world where you belong. Not yet, anyhow. There is no city, no profession, no place where a you-shaped hole has been perfectly carved out in the Universe. If you are waiting – or even actively searching – to find this place, you will be waiting forever. It’s not a plane ride away. It’s not a couple years coming. It’s non-existent. The world has created nothing in anticipation of you.
This is what you learn when you pass through a thousand different cities – when you search places and faces for years, trying to find a place that begs you to stay. Nowhere is going to demand you. Nowhere misses you. Nowhere lacks you before you have made your impression on it and therefore you will never stumble upon any place where you magically belong. But that doesn’t mean that all hope is lost.
The truth about the place where you belong is that it doesn’t exist because you haven’t created it yet.
Our mere existence does not necessitate our belonging. But our actions do. We are born with everything that we need to make a lasting imprint on this world – to carve out a place, however humble, that aches for us whenever we leave it. A place that fits us. A place that grows us. A place where, come hell or high water, we belong.
There is no shortcut to getting there. The process of making ourselves irreplaceable to anything is a long and arduous battle – one that could take most of our lives. We have to determine what we love. What we have to give. What we can offer the world – or at least some small corner of it – and invest ourselves accordingly. It takes years to build a community. It takes even longer to change one. There is no concrete measure of when we finally belong to a place but the unarguable first step is to devote ourselves to the creation of such a place. To stick with one thing for long enough to transform it into something that resembles our own heart and spirit. It’s not a place that we will stumble across – people waiting for us with outstretched arms and open hearts. It’s something we will create, through sharing our own hearts and minds with others.
The truth about where you belong is that it does exist, somewhere in the future. But it needs you to bring it to existence. It needs you to come alive, to bleed yourself into it and to leave your lasting impression. It needs you to belong to it first. And eventually, you will find that you’ve created your own home at last.

META OF LIFE

  1. Give yourself a lot of time to stop
  2. Listen to yourself
  3. ACT IN THE INTEREST OF YOUR INNER VOICE
  4. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

old old

whats the point of keep relationships if you are not being true 100% SUPER SELF who isn't mediocre?

of course it is easy to be COOL and LIKED and stay with people and not be judged if you are MEDIOCRE. But what is the point of being like that? It is simple not fun, stale, boring

THERE IS NO POINT IN LIVING LIKE THAT.

Where my danger at, where my passion at. That is beautiful




always stay weak, always look through the weak perspective

that is the only way to actually be strong


the paradoxes wheel continues


What is the point of asking questions?
If I recall correctly, the moment I started asking questions instead of just believing and adapting/doing things, I became slow, boring and unhappy. Questions may seem like a smart thing to do, but isn't it just a UNLOYALTY to LIFE IT SELF?
Asking and answering questions for someone else, is preparation to deal with people who will be unloyal or have the lack of ability, why surround yourself / care about people like that? I forced myself into mediocrity because of my loneliness, what kind of fool does that to himself? I am a superstar, that is why I absolutely don't give a shit about most of the simple things. You know that yourself. Then stop making myself answer and go through all these questions about life which don't matter. Dedicate myself to something, become a fucking weirdo/crazy person, you admire them anyway. That is who I am, nothing else. Of course life looks unmotivating and shit, if all you see is something you are not. Change your eyes dumbass, see it for what you want / and need it to be. Change the perception of reality from mediocre to your own.


[12:37:15 AM] crowjambouuuuu: few rules
[12:37:34 AM] crowjambouuuuu: 1. do people a favour and dont judge them / anticipate their reactions. Just let it happen
[12:37:45 AM] Blia Jft: okay
[12:37:48 AM] crowjambouuuuu: 2. say what you need to say, expose yourself / be vulnerable in front of people you want to get close with
[12:38:03 AM] crowjambouuuuu: 3. tackle your fears


when talking, dont try to summon magically something smart or deep. Just follow the same natural idea you have to say, stay firm. ITS ALL ABOUT TIMING, NOT ABOUT THE WORDS

juist look for a good timing to say the thoughts, if there isnt one, sit and listen THAT IS ALL

Friday, July 1, 2016

123


being suicidal, or more prone to it, doesnt mean your life is shit and that you are weak?

it means that you are the kind of person who needs that motivation, that purpose, that something out there to strife towards or else you dont care enough to live for yourself

what am i hungry for?


Increases the size of drawings 2x while improving quality
http://waifu2x.udp.jp/index.html



“If you want to change who you are, begin by changing the size of your dream. Even if you are broke, it does not cost you anything to dream of being rich. Many poor people are poor because they have given up on dreaming.