Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Cringy, yet good


Some time ago I decided to unsubscribe to every single channel on youtube except the music ones, and then subscribe to the motivational videos ones only. Sure it sometimes makes me cringe when they show people kicking ass and dramatic music intensifies ( soo cliche ), but it is still nice to see. At least it is better than browsing 4chan or doing any other random, cancerous thing. Gives me some fresh, possitive thoughts too. WHY NOT WHY NOT WHY NOT


  1.  What would 18year old self think of you right now?
  2. To be successful, must become friends with failure
  3. Do what you like, screw everything else
Just a couple of points which stood out for me from the video


Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Fear



great song
 i wouldnt mind if it was my intro for a life time


become the change i want to see? it used to be bloodmage, but what is it now? it changed...

WHAT IS ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT



Monday, June 20, 2016

King or GOD

king is a thing
god is a feeling



if king doesnt follow god, he is useless king

if you follow a king , you are useless


we all must follow god, that is the one and true loyality and unity and comradery there is


everything else is fake posery and bullshit, and you know it


Unite in same cause, or its not unity at all


love this pic


There are always before ANY ACTION or THING HAPPENING 2 options presented to you. FOLLOW KING OR FOLLOW GOD. Always choose god, fuck this shit.
==========


One track mind into that fuckign FIRE YOOO, INTO THE FUCKIGN FIRE ONT TRAKC MIND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS, EVERYTHING ELSE IS SHITTTTTTTTT

no wonder you are lazy and fucked up and unmotivated. BECAUSE EVERYTHING SUCKS. SPEC OUT INTO FIRE, MY SPECIALITY ISF UCKIGN FIRE JUST DO IT


http://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-art-of-being-happily-single/

this is relevant

Your Passion
Passion hangs out only where Kinetic and Potential Energy meet. It is always there. It is that teeny tiny moment when you are releasing the ball but haven’t fully let go but aren’t fully hanging on either.
Passion isn’t Kinetic and it isn’t Potential. It is where you could move but aren’t, but almost are but aren’t.
I recall being at the end of a diving board, a high dive about ten feet above the surface of Pine Like. I had climbed the stairs to get there, increasing my Potential Energy, and could jump any moment, and express some Kinetic Energy.
On the end of that diving board I was the most alive I could be. Almost jumping, almost falling, almost remaining where I was. The feeling of being that alive is exactly where Kinetic and Potential Energy meet.
Passion is always waiting for you at the border between these two old energy pals.
The Bad News
Passion is available only in the moment. Once you jump you are Kinetic. Before you jump you are Potential.
Passion doesn’t persist. It is there and then it is gone. Once it is expressed and before it is expressed, it isn’t passion. Standing on the diving board is pre-passion. Falling toward the water is post-passion. But as you jump is ripe with passion.

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/how-to-create-passion-anywhere-and-anytime/

The creation of art is the passion. The completion of art only ignites another creation. (Jeffrey Breslow)

The passion... is transmuted during the act of painting from rage to euphoria. (Jane Champagne)

One person with passion is better than forty people merely interested. (E. M. Forster)


rules and chains ONLY PURPOSE is to direct your passion into right places. IF ITS FOR NAY OTHER PURPOSE, FUCK YOUUUUUUU ( CROWJAM )

http://www.art-quotes.com/getquotes.php?catid=214

Friday, June 17, 2016

https://vimeo.com/3850863


Lets just find things I like and do them actively and hard. Keep that joyful attitude about it and do it properly, nice and clean. Lets grow and be myself my man, why make it more complicated?

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Love is

putting hope in somebody, imagining they will be our significant other out there for you
( the yungg luv )

or simply adoring another human being for who they are or any other being, how they/it makes you feel


hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


thats why the 1st variation hurts so much when it turns out not to be true, your whole inner world collapses


=========

something  from the internet

Both innocence and trust can be reclaimed and become even more powerful energies in our lives. Innocence does not mean ignorance. Until we are put to the test, our innocence is really more ignorance than innocence. We can no longer “not know” about sex addiction. We do know. We have been put to the test. Our innocence has become separate from our ignorance. We move to a more crisp, full-bodied innocence because it is a knowing innocence. No longer is it undifferentiated and unconscious.
It is a process, and sometimes it takes longer than we want it to. Perhaps we would give anything to go back to the day before we met our Sex Addict/Compulsive (SAC) and choose to have been elsewhere in a vain attempt to reclaim our innocence and ability to trust. It does not work that way, alas. Our trust will now be guided by our developing and intuitive discernment. No longer will our trust be handed out like a party favor to all comers. No longer is our trust cheapened by believing words without actions. We remain open and yet, exercise a nascent discernment that's been waiting for our entire lives to be heard, to be honored by us. Slowly, we learn to honor our discernment and to come to a trusting that will not disappoint us over and over again because we are engaged with discerning curiosity all along.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Doges are the bess


Lets acquire ultimate freedom. Crowowo to fulfill the destinyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

and dogs rule 

rage of thousand suns

What is the point of living if you are not quite yourself?
I don't want to change, you do not understand. I don't want to change my ideals, my beliefs and my way of life, because those ideas are the ideas which give me hope in the first place.

Sure it is possible to "change" yourself, BUT I DON'T WANT TO. I want to believe in what I want to believe, I want to live the way I want to live.

I am so tired of having to bend myself just to have close friendship with somebody. Everybody is so fucking close minded. I hate the world you've made, I need to disappear. Start a new perhaps?

---------


education education, perspectives perspectives, clear the fog clear the fog, set it all on fireeee


Reading some things about important stuff which I am not going to mention, but money related to be clear. Just lurking around after few hours of research, am on personal blogs of some developers/businessmen of today. They say some relatable, real stuff. Sure they are much different from me, but they look like good guys and are successful  Things they say are smart, and on point, could even say charming. Its motivating to get stronger and better, but not because im hungry for success or feel inadequate personally, I only feel inferior because I know that when it comes to Julie, in her eyes I would be valued as less than somebody like that. And it doesn't even feel like I have the right to feel bad about that, I just don't : DD. You either have value or you don't, and I simply don't. All I am is a boy right now. What can I offer to this world anyway?

These kind of thoughts come and go, but. Obviously I try to fight them. Instead of complaining about things "happening" , what could I do to burn through it all? Instead of focusing on the things, how can I focus on myself to demolish this all? I don't want to be consumed by weakness, I want to fight, but WHERE WHERE IS MY FIGHT, THAT IS THE ONLY THING WHAT MATTERS TO ME?

EVERYTHING WILL GET TAKEN AWAY FROM ME, EVEN MY OWN LIFE, IF I DONT FIND A FIGHT FOR MYSELF. WHERE IS IT?

This is nature of my life. I either fight and shine, or rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot. That is the life. Lets do it

Hhmm... Sometimes its easy to forget that I actually don't give a fuck about so many things, why do I feel like I do lol?

What do I even care about ? hmm...

PAINNNNNN :DDDDDDDDDDDd


I feel trapped and ghay and fucked and hopeless and aimless and like I should just escape or curl up and die etc etc etc.

But when I think about it where this weakness coming from and what would over shadow it completely, that is a purpose/goal. I need something to invest myself into what I see promise and future in. Once I have sometimes like that, it will go away. I had this feeling before, I just forgot about it. 



There are only few things which matter right now
  1. A path/purpose for me to invest into, a FIGHT, a BATTLE. Something what would help me participate in the society or at least make me a part of it ( money ). Something I can devote myself to
  2. Keep in check who I am, and keep developing it. I forget and become a fucking negative ball of shit constantly. Why? I never did that before, did Julies and contmepts negativity really influence me that much? I need to refresh myself
  3. Go above and beyond all this petty crap. After reading about successful businessmen, I know that, that is not the world I would like for myself. It just sucks to think that Julie would like somebody like that, but it cannot be helped be it true or not. All I can do is focus on the first 2 points. That is how my life was always. I just chose funny things to devote myself to.
But I am finishing this post up with a good mood. It took me 5 hours to write it, so its been a lot of thoughts going on... I want to try one last time, but this time REALLY REALLY put myself out there. All of the past things I've done, they were shit, of course they were shit. It was a teen me who came up with them, they suck. I really need to educate myself and advance my knowledge and wisdom. Lets do this seriously this time


Monday, June 13, 2016

I am invisible, deal with it

Deal with it. Invest into activity, tame this

My loneliness gets bad sometimes, it turns my insides out

Contain it, tame it, learn how to deal with it. Please, by myself. Nobody else has your back, only you can manage your own feelings

Nobody owes you anything, nobody will invest into you, only you can do it

Accept the road  , just accept it

Invest into myself, move on, live life and stay hopeful

Deep breaths, continue...

I dont need easy way out, I dont need help, I am fine

Continue on now. DONT IGNORE YOURSELF, be my friend


Everybody else is too busy for me, focus on self self self self self self

isolate everybody, but dont force it, let it happen

stop trying to prevent it, just let things go

---

sigh I literally dont have anything going on anymore, i am at point 0. Have to start over

What a lonely feeling

Because it is not like I havent tried. To be left completely alone without ANYTHING after all the effort and energy, its just so lonely and soul crushing

sigh...

---------

Lets analyze myself some more. Why do I feel this and how can I deal with it.

Why do I feel so fucking deadly lonely?
When do I not feel like that?
Any other ideass...? ahhhhh sometimes it huts to even write... fuck this feeling

ill tame you, i will...

first ill just take a break


THE ILLNESS OF BEING FINE

So many things are fine in life, so many things feel just okay and not terrible.

  • Watching videos
  • Streams
  • Reading/listening about someones life or a story
  • Watching movies/shows. THE STORIES MOST OF THE TIME ARE NICE, AND MAKE YOU FEEL NICE, BUT NOT SUPER PERFECT AMAZING
  • Just getting by in life and doing whatever
ALL OF THESE FEELINGS ARE A SLOW, DEADLY CANCER BUILDING UP INSIDE OF YOU. WATCH OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its very dangerous to be stuck in a state of fine. Slowly you will lose your senses, your confidence, your EVERYTHING, you stop being yourself, BECAUSE! YOU ARE NOT BEING YOURSELF

In life everything takes effort and practice, so if you invest into everything, but YOURSELF, you don't stay/become yourself. You become bad and being yourself, and who likes being bad? It is only going to get worse and worse with time.

Sometimes its easy to say " I deserve rest " and just hang out do whatever, it doesn't really feel like anything special and time just goes by. Did you really rest? Was it really worth it?  Would not just sleeping or ACTUALLY resting make you feel more rested? Weren't you just fooled by your CANCER inside of you to slowly kill yourself? LOL

A good question to ask yourself basically before you start doing anything or after anything happens to you. Is this fucking amazing? What could I do to feel AMAZING?

In the end your body is the moral code/judgement, all you can do is please it and hope that you were born with not fucked up killer brains. So go ahead and fucking PLEASE IT. What DO YOU WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW TO FEEL GREAT?

This question is liberating. I start doing things I actually enjoy, I start focusing on things I actually LIKE. WOW! They were all so close, but I always put it down and tried "new things", because I Knew I would feel good if I did what was good, so I wanted to make myself "grow" and SPREAD OUT, but THAT IS SUCH A ROOKIE MISTAKE. SO FUCKING NOOB LOL!

Its hard to describe every single sense and excuse and trap I put myself through as im trying my best not to forget my main idea while writing this, but take care of yourself my man. That rush of power and energy you feel when you do things which are actually your own things, when you focus on SELF SELF SELF, FUN FUN FUN, ENJOYMENT, GROWTH instead of consumerism and bullshit, life just looks up. It defeats all the toxic thoughts, it makes the slate clean. Same as that conclusion about relationships and problems. Do you really want to sit around and talk through the things? "make plans" and shit like that? WHO GIVES A FUCK IF IT FEELS BAD. Dont give me those excuses of being loyal, supreme gentleman, good/honest/loving human being bull shit. DONT GUILT TRIP YOURSELF, DONT PUT ALL THAT DIRT ON YOURSELF

SURE it doesnt feel like a guilt trip, but WHAT IS IT THEN if NOT THAT?
STOP ACCEPTING IDEALS WHICH DONT DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, IT WILL STAGNATE YOUR GROWTH. YOU EITHER LAY YOUR HEAD ON IDEA WHICH MAKES U FEEL GOOD, OR YOU AINT GOT SHIT MAN

WHAT IS THE BEST?

WHAT IS THE FUCKING BEST?

WHAT TO DO RIGHT NOW?

WHAT IS GREAT? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT YOURSELF?

MAnAGE YOURSELF BITCH JUST FUCKING MANAGE YOURSELF. IT IS THE SKILL OF LIFE. EVERYTHING IS GREAT AS LONG AS YOU ARE SKILLED, ITS COMMON SENSE, YOU KNEW THIS AND KNOW THIS RIGHT NOW AND FOREVER!!! ITS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS STOP DELUDING YOURSELF


WC3= lay your head on fucking improving, DESTROYING focus on 1 thing. NO BULLSHIT RANDOM STRATS OR GAYNESS AS BEFORE. COMMIT COMMIT COMMIT COMMIT. AND WHAT I COMMIT TO BECOMES ME

LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFEL IFEL FUCKING BURN THIS SHIT AWAY PLEASE

BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN

Good old mix. BECAUSE FUCK YOU ALL I WILL LIVE ON

So tired of killing myself every other day and forgetting who I AM. LAST 9999999999YEARS, FUCK SINCE BIRTH. I KEEP DIMMING MY OWN FIRE, just as I think I get to something, BAM BAM BAM I DESTROY MYSELF BECAUSE IM TOO INFLUENCED BY WEAKNESS. MY DESIRE TO NOT BE LONELY MAKES ME ACCEPT SHIT INTO ME TO RELATE TO PEOPLE WHO SURROUND ME ( FAGGETS ) FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

THE URGE TO DIE IS HIGH, BUT I WILL LIVE ON.

I WILL WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN BY BURNING THROUGH ALL OF THIS AND STANDING PROUD AT THE END OF IT. FUCK YOU YOU PEICE OF SHIT FEELINGS AND BRAINS

I WILL TAME YOU

Friday, June 10, 2016

Sexuality. Everybody is a slut

Everybody is a slut ( mostly ) , everybody! That includes me too

Unless you are complete asexual, you are a slut. If you masturbate, you are a slut 100% proven, no excuses

There are 2 type of sluts.


  1. Sluts which have sex with bad judgement ( harmful partners, random/drunk blabla, stds )
  2. Sluts which are smart and choose sex partners which are not harmful
You like it or not, you fall into one or another category.
I was always, and still am SUPER CONSERVATIVE when it comes to relationships and sex, because I thought and believed it is harmful to do things in any other way. I didn't want to harm myself, I didn't want to hurt myself, so I held on to conservative beliefs. 
Yet on the inside I always had the extremely playful, lusty, horny dog side. Who doesn't? That is considered normal. The "normal" thing is, to be the slut number 2. If you gonna have sexual encounters, make sure its not harmful, then go ahead. I never knew everybody is like that, but it is truth. That would explain everything about the way parents do the parenting with their children and sexual education worldwide. No one is afraid or against it, only against if its harmful. Common fucking sense, but I was so brainwashed and against any sort of sexual things unless its with a soul mate basically. And anybody who didn't follow the same "code" I was repulsed by to some degree . That kind of belief is limited, and bad for my own health and well being. I am only talking about this to safe guard myself against the pain which is to come later.  My mentality would hurt me to death, run me into the grave, literally. BECAUSE IT HURTS SO MUCH FUCK, IT IS THE WORST FEELING OUT THERE

Yet its time to move on, because that is what I do. I burn through shit and improve. If to change mentality into that everybody is a slut ( truth ) and wants sex, as long as its not harmful ( usually relationships or connections with people or just trust or agreements ) then at some point in your life when you have a significant other or so, you won't be aiming at it backwards. You won't be making her go through the filter of "is she pure and has my code?"  , but a filter "does she make me happy and are we satisfying each other as both partners sexually and in life"  which is by far much more important filter to focus on. It wouldn't be the scary talk of the past and what kind of sexual deeds she has performed and with whom, it would be the curious/funny talk about what kind of things did she learn/can do and likes, what kind of things are the hottest for her from her experience". And she must be with you for a reason, that you can give her something, means she will be pretty happy = good livinggggggggggg babey. Happy girls shine with life, its beautiful sight, even more so if she is yours. 

I at any cost want to avoid a scenario in a potential future where I meet a great girl and she is significant other potential, but I am not fully able to accept her sexual past or at all, as it hurts too much. Or even if its a "virgin bride" , knowing that deep inside she is a slut and its just repressed and she wants to know and experience the different kind of life. 

I think this is the best thing. Being a slut number 2.

It is a very broad thing, but it opens up many gates and stops many fears and hurts from happening. DO ANYTHING, AS LONG AS ITS NOT HARMFUL.

HARMFUL is a broad thing. You can harm yourself with physical risks, emotional risks, you can hurt somebody ( your significant other ) and what else is there? Really thats the most important ones.

Is it really that hard to just keep yourself away from eating poison if it looks delicious? But as long as you have the attitude of that it is poisonous for you and not some kind of secret, new wonder to discover , you will not have urges, you will not be tempted. At least not as much ( NO IDEA, FRESH THEORY NEED TO STILL TEST IT )

As long as you are a smart slut, you are a proper human who takes care of their own well being and of those around you. It is stupid to be a bad kind of slut, why ruin your life? Do you expect to be respected for ruining your life? Then brace yourself for all the hate and people looking down and you feeling lie shit. While if you are a slut of the good kind, nobody cares anymore, and did they ever? On the outside perhaps, but on the inside we are all the same , aren't we. Different tastes, but we are all sluts

Doesn't mean you need to live a promiscuous lifestyle to follow this path. I am not going to myself. But I should really let "loose" on these morals, and kill any judgement I have in me towards it. Only have judgement against the BAD kind of sluts, same way as you would about anybody who does mistakes. No reason to praise them. Say sorry and move on shitheads, and you better repent

That girl you love, your mother, your sister, your brother....

They all are fucking sluts, accept the fact. There is no escape... Might as well stop butting my head against it and go with the flow, learn from the inside

Old knowledge

I am an aggressive player / person.

Want things now, quickly.

Want to express myself, be unlimited and hardcore. Kick ass and be unique without suffering for it.

I always had some kind of "technique" or way to help me utilize my strengths. For example focusing on fortifying my defenses so I would never have to focus on them, or focusing completely on offense so I'd suicide and try to end games quickly etc.

From all the experiences and knowledge which I gather up, I can say that focusing on defense is the best option. Same could apply to life too.

If you want to be free and feel free and be aggressive, need to take care of every single thing which can happen to MAKE you return and focus on defense. To be great at attacking, must be able to focus on it, and only way to focus on attacking is if your defense is impenetrable. It simply is the most effective way. Its kind of a backwards approach if you are an impatient person, but once you actually fulfill it, it feels so right and so good to not have to worry about all the stuff behind you. To do that need to understand quite a lot about yourself, about enemies, about how game works. Same for life. Things become so simple, once you actually understand how your own feelings and senses work. If you have trust and belief in your knowledge and understanding. There is no reason to freak out about anything

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Guidance , to follow

Everybody wishes there was a path, a leader, an ideal, a goal out there just FOR them to follow. Perfect something to put your energy into. That doesn't exist and if it does, you are super lucky, enjoy.
For normal people like me, to satisfy that need, to find that passion/inspiration will need to utilize multiple ideas/goals/leaders, mix them all up together into a special blend that will be called "you".

This is the best, this is the most efficient and fun way, and the least difficult.

Starting something from scratch never works and is an idealistic trap which will ruin your life. Everybody great or anybody who did anything in life, never started from scratch. They got inspired by multiple people and ideas and combined it into something they saw fit or updated the older ways.
That is called progress.

Making something from scratch is same as starting a new progress line, it will be primitive. You will be a cavemen starting from a stick. Better start from a newer weapon, and just make it better in some unique way which you have in mind. Our brains work in a way that once they see something, they look for ways to do it better. We judge, we analyze, we get inspired from others. No reason to avoid all of these natural and beautiful feelings/drives , don't treat yourself like an enemy please.


Crow landed on an eagle and is hitching a ride.

THAT IS EXACTLY WHY MY NICKNAME IS CROW. FUCKING CROWS ARE CREATIVE AND DONT GIVE A FUCK

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Balancing out things in life



What do I receive already?
Any ways to improve it?
What do I need?
How can it be achieved easily and quick? ( FOR ME )



  1. Love / companionship / support / friendship
  2. Sex / keep the biological lust away
  3. Money / well being in the society / less stress
  4. Health 
  5. Comfort / organized things, knowing how to treat yourself
  6. PASSION / Something what makes your brains and creativity work full throttle 


Many of the problems/needs can be "lessened" by learning to see things as lesser problems. For example if you learn and believe that you have enough money to live by right now, and its not a problem until few months later only or even a year or two, then the problem lessens and can be left alone for some time. 

But its pretty boring to just do "damage-control" your whole life and lessen everything. Sometimes just want to do something in life what you WANT TO DO, and that is not lessening things, but DOING SOMETHING GREAT. But I guess it would be too naive and too greedy to assume that all of them are possible at same time, perhaps should just choose a couple which are the easiest to do, and "damage-control" all the rest, until the time that it becomes easier or opportunities arise !

If there is no effective way to earn money right now, but can be potentially later ( education ), then that is sadly a closed door. Can be frustrated about it as much as you want, but it wont open unless you commit to the idea of earning money and sacrifice everything else, but is it really worth it? If it would, why didn't you throw everything away and do it already? 
It may be a closed door, but the funds you have to survive right now, can still be saved or used more efficiently to open up some slight doors, but cannot expect to live a life full of freedoms available through money, that will have to wait. There are still cheap, or even free ways to enjoy the taste of same freedoms money offer. Having a night every now and then, when you treat yourself. Buying things which are just cheaper. Going on trips and to places which are cheap or free. It may even give you the better experiences, as who knows what awaits you there? Have to ask yourself, what for do you need the money for anyway? And what are the ways to compensate and receive similar type of feelings without the money, and if you have difficulty finding the way, then what is the cheapest way to fulfill those feelings? 

There are always alternative options. It kind of hurts the pride to even considerate alternatives, and it seems boring, but isn't this the reality for majority of people? Just so many people choose to sulk about it forever and accept their shitty life, their closed door, instead of looking for a way around it. Its not like its even going to stay closed forever. Only thing as humans we have is the will to try, and the adaptability. Noone is actually strong. You are either adaptable or you are weak, that is what evolution taught us

Too tired to go on, but these questions should suffice to ask one self on what to do. I ll do it too







Utilize more of these icons from wc3. Freshens up the place yoyo

By the way just like with strategy games and any good habit you ever acquired, same goes for relationship with Julie. Must write down the things she says ( the most important points, the points where I need to compromise like patience and time and Julies weaknesses etc. ) and read it all the time until its deep in my memory and then read it everyday ANYWAY so it stays there. That is the only way to teach myself from going overboard and being stupid. That is the only thing which ever ever ever worked for me to improve at anything, why was I made to be like this? : D ITS SO NOT COOL. I AM BASED ON FAILURE. TRIAL AND ERROR. SIGH!!! Well, but I am what I am, now lets not FORGET THAT, and fill for my weakness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anger

Anger is good

, but sometimes body will want to release some stress by expressing anger in various forms, and the more hurtful one, the more stress it will release

it all will feel right too

but in the end must keep in mind, that you have some control over it, you have the options to release the stress

just gotta know some in mind, some proven methods, or have some notes or a way to remind yourself of a good ways to release stress/release the anger

it will feel good, and you will become less of a dramatic beast then

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Time grows you as a person, not because time is a magical thing, and not because of "experience" you get throughout the years

It is because when you look back at your old self, you are not yourself anymore. Time made you move on and become somebody else, you became detached from who you were, you became a stranger to yourself

And strangers have a new, fresh eyes, they see things which you don't see about yourself

So in a way to imitate the growth of time, need to have someone else look at you and judge you, and then you have to really respect it and think about it deeply?

VS HUNTS A TRICK


LATER IN THIS GAME HAD like 4 PEASANTS REPAIRING AND NON TAKEN DAMAGE, PRETTY USEFUL!



EDIT 2016. Draft from 2011.10. I still remember this day

SOME NEW VIDEOS IN YOUTUBE CHANNEL ( dragonslayer )

http://www.youtube.com/user/CrowJam?feature=mhee

CHECK EM OUT, MY FAVO IS BLOODMAGE THE DRAGON SLAYER




EDIT 2016. This is draft from 2011.10
Crazy how long ago this was

Going inactive ( in wc3 )

Alright this time for reals, I wont play wc3 esports anymore at all, maybe some cgs ,but unlikely. I am too bored of this game , not because of the game itself , but because of the community ( more like lack of it ) and lack of competition, I may switch to sc2 once I have better computer, but that will take time. Still if anyone need tips just comment and Ill answer asap



EDIT 2016. This is a draft from START OF 2012. Uploaded now

:(

Just makes you go WAAH or freeze up sometimes :  ( ( ( , but same time its kind of motivational type of sadness


Edit: This is a post from somewhere in 2012, it was sitting in drafts since then

Seems like its somewhat related too...
Sex = tells a mans body that he is doing good job, the so called ultimate compliment. Just looking at a beautiful woman makes me want to kill myself sometimes. Its deep ridden pain of my sexuality as a man making me want to do something to get laid, and that the things I am doing now, the thoughts I am having are not getting me laid, so it makes me feel extreme pain and dissatisfaction to motivate me to go out there and do whatever it takes to receive the ultimate compliment from a woman whose compliment I'd deem as worthy ( not slut )

Its kind of funny how important it is.

Imagine if no matter what you do in life, everything feels wrong, not because YOU think its wrong, but only because you are not having sex. STUPID AS FUCK

And imagine that no matter how bad you are doing, and how wrong you are, you don't feel like it matters, because you are getting laid.

That is male sexuality

Its painful to go against your own senses, it sure is great empowerment not to have to do that, but what options are there. I am not going to steep myself down

"I don't have a girlfriend, I have tinder" heard this quote today from a class mate. Sigh

I wish there was easier way to deal with natural animal feelings, kind of tiring to have to masturbate 5 times a day to make myself IMMUNE to attraction

Sometimes it makes me mad that women without doing anything can influence and have so much power of my feelings, that is of course if I do nothing about it...

Well I am just sulking because I am tired and horny. I feel like I want to just burn through it all without giving a slightest fuck about sexuality. But that is naive and childish, or maybe I can develop strong enough conviction, make myself immune to it all by developing my mind. Make sexuality my constant daily challenge, a foe always in wait, in wait to strike at me in any moment. It would give me another chance to stare right myself in the eyes as I face strong feelings.


I like these extreme emotions in me, sure its not pleasant, but at least I feel alive

Monday, June 6, 2016

I AM BETTER THAN YOU, FUCK YOU ALLLL

I realized quite few things about myself which weren't very obvious and easy to figure out

If I am not on fire, I lose myself

I become just a mere observer, I lose my confidence. As I know that I am not feeling quite like myself, I don't even feel like trying things. My fire is dim.

My body, who I am and what I am born with, it all BURNS by itself perfectly well. If I am set on fire by something, "my self" takes over and EVERYTHING IS PERFECT OR DESTROYED AND REBUILT




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I CANT WRITE, i have like 5 deep theories and thoughts about myself. YET IF I CHOOSE TO WRITE ABOUT ONE, THE OTHERS ILL FORGET AND IT WONT BE THE SAME




My body can do everything , my self is a fucking destroyer. BUT MY MIND MY SELF WHO WAS FORMED BY MY LIFE AND EXPERIENCES, IS A FUCKING TERRIBLE PERSON. SUCH A FUCKING LIBERAL PIECE OF SHIT NOOB. HOLY CRAP

CAN YOU GET THAT DICK OUT OF YOUR ASS PLEASE? SOOO SLOW

SERIOUSLY ARE YOU EVEN TRYING? ALL YOU DO IS DAMAGE CONTROL AND MAKE YOURSELF FEEL SOMEWHAT GOOD, LOL. ARE YOU RETARDED? WTF WILL THAT LEAD TO, DID YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT?  YEAH YOU DID, AND ITS ALL FUCKING DELUSIONS LOL! YOPU STUPID FUCK, INSTEAD OF SPENDING TIME ON BULLSHIT AND LOOKING FOR EXCUSES TO DIVERT MY OWN ATTENTION, MAYBE PAY ATTENTION TO MYSELF PLEASE?

YOU HAVENT CHANGED A BIT SINCE YOU WERE A KID WHEN IT COMES TO THAT

giving up all the time, excuses excuses excuses, loving the praise and the moment it stopped, you stoped caring too, you loved the attention

hated everyone who got more than you, became a recluse

fucking LOL, then you learnt to take pride in your fucking weakness, instead of aknowledging it as a weakness and moving on. Do you get off on being @ the bottom in life? Do you get off on putting yourself down? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU, DONT YOU WANT TO BURN?

ITS NOT EVEN HARD, AND YOU KNOW IT. ITS SCARY FOR THAT PUSSIFIED PIECE OF SHIT BRAINS OF YOURS, BUT ITS NOT EVEN HARD. AND IT IS THE BEST THING THERE IS IN LIFE  WTFSKDJsl;kdfjgdskwerJK]2e;k;; wqe',

accepting any more of this, is same as accepting death

as its the path it will lead you to. There is no happy nerdy life for you, thats not who you are

you know so yourself
Fast lane and fire, or no joy.

So everything falls into place as long as I can set myself on fire.

How do I do that

Lets remember some things of me facing myself

before i do. I realize now that everything i am now, is because i have been clipped FROM ALL OF WHO I AM SINCE FOREVER. EVERYTHING I AM, WAS THE "WRONG" THING AND EVERYBODY SAID THAT, EVERYBODY THOUGHT THAT. Except some exceptions, everything i wanted was far away and done by somebody else, and everybody else could get away with what i couldnt. Voices ringing in my head with morals and bullshit about everything, all of my definitions and knowledge was COMPLETELY WARPED. You are a bad boy if you do things like this, or things like that etc etc. And I was obedient, my "persona" was that of a nice smart kid, that is the only thing which got me praise, if I was smarter or worked harder, even though I didnt really care about that. Eventually I gave up that persona as well, when I failed some tests and realized that i am not smart at all, at least not conventionally, everything seemed pointless and hopeless. People who generaly dont care about things, could muster up some strength and study last days and ace the tests, why should i study all the time if that is possible, if its possible for them, its only fair it should be for me too. I am not going to be inferior

that is my saving grace. The voice from within telling me that I AM NOT INFERIOR

While my actions and thoughts all say to me that I AM

I became a mirror to all the people who kept me down all my life

IT WAS SO DECEITFUL I DECEIVED MYSELF FOR SCUH A LONG TIME

WAS TOO BUSY DOING OTHER THINGS, THE FUCKING POISON OF BULLSHIT FROM ALL THE NORMAL PIECESO F SHIT ATE MY INSIDES OUT





I am Mew!

Found an old pokemon test on my kiddy blog, did it again. Only thing I'd say about the end is that, I WISH I COULD PUT TRUST AND EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT INTO PEOPLE. Its just hard, cuz nobody wants any of that or doesn't act in a way to receive it.
=============================================================


every waking moment of my day, I feel like I owe it to somebody or someTHING or even to myself

It makes me suffocate due to lack of air due to all this self made pressure. I became better at handliing it, but it never goes away. LETS FUCKING PULL THE ROOTS BITCHES

I AM  TIRED OF BEING LIKE THIS. At every point in my life when I GOT SICK AND TIRED OF SUCKING , I HAD TO HIT MYSELF ON THE HEAD, AND PUSH THROUGH IN PAIN SCREAMING

IT HURTS SO MUCH TO GO AGAINST THE WAY YOU ARE "RIGHT NOW" but the moment you realize that, that is the right decision , its easier to commit to the pain

I once had to memorize 3 pages of a book, word to word for Lithuanian class test. ITS RETARDED, AND IT WAS SO GOOFY TOO

OH GOD I HAD TO SLAP MYSELF 100 TIMES TO MAKE MYSELF DO IT

BUT I FELT PROUD TO HAVE DONE THAT, it was weird to receive a good grade in Lithuania while everybody else failed ( CUZ WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO LEARN 3 PAGES IN MEMORY JUST FOR ONE TEST, ITS USELSS WTFSDKFJsKDF )

I just erally badly needed that grade to pass the class.

I always look back onto 4th grade "track race" we had in school.  there were 30 boys and we had to run around the school grounds, back then I always considered myself slow and whenever we were playing tag or what not, I never was as fast as the fastest guys, but wasnt quite the slowest as well ( fat kids were below me )

At the beginning of the race I was like 26-27 , seeing all the proper guys speed away and me being stuck with all the losers , made an inner voice in me tell me that AND MY BODY BELIEVED IT, TO JUST GIVE IT MY ALL. Before that, I already felt like I was "trying", it hurt, and i was running as fast as I could. BUT WHEN I STARTED TO REALLY GIVE IT ALL, I COULDNT FEEL MYSELF of HOW MUCH IT HURT, i finished 4th I think. I dont recall. It wasnt a long track race, if it was longer I could catch up to more people. When I was pushing myself, near the end of the race my weakness came back again, it wanted me to slow down. Just facing myself like this, it was really eye opening on what a person can actually do, and what it actually means to try

It felt good and gave me new confidence in myself

Its too easy to look down on yourself and accept being a loser. If you are smart, you will come up with excelent excuses  which dont even sound like excuses and many reasons on why being a loser is "FINE" and tell that to everybody and to yourself, and this way you end up having an easy life , not being too judged about you being a loser, yet feeling like one by yourself. Because fooling yourself is pointless, it all comes down to haunt you eventually.

sigh. I need to take heavy measures against myself. Rock my world and reinstall everything I have on my mind

Rekindle my fires instead of putting them down

everything is so fucking annoying, and everybody can go fuck themselves

pieces of cancerous shit. If you suck dick yourself, STOP MAKING ME SUCK ONE TOO

Of course I cant blame them, I dont really care. ITS JUST ANNOYING, FUCK FUCK FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I actually believed bullshit for so long, RIDICULOUS

When it comes to dealing with people. If anybody wants me to do anything for them, they better be doing it with me together, or helping in some other way

or else i feel complete disconnect

in general seems like i get off on attention. But instead of becoming someone worthwhile of attention, i fell into a hole and adopted being "weakish" and act like a baby basically, to attract attention

WTF SO FUCKIGN GAY HOLY FUCK

My toxicity, is my cry for attention. So gay, but that is me. IT may not just be attention, I guess craving to let go of my stress as well, thought its really not that helpful.

No reason to deny that. I am gay like that, right now
Things which throughout my whole lifetime were the ones to stand out for me were


  • Attention
  • Praise
  • ............
thats about it I GUESS. Sure I am more of a person than that, much more. But these 2 gay ass things, are the most powerful things in me thats for sure

Its not the whory attention which you can imagine if you read it, its different, but in the end its still attention

All of my personality and feelings come out of these 2 basic things, its quite pathetic, but no reason to hide it. Might as well accept who I am, with all the ugly in it

I can make it work, and turn it into something beautiful instead

BECAUSEE FUCK YOU ALL , OHHH HFUCK YOU ALL SO MUCH

Random praise, doesnt fucking matter
Random attention is neat, but doesnt matter much too

its the attention to detail, attention to who I really am what matters
Attention to what I am doing, to wanting to help me, ( NOT DO THINGS FOR ME, JUST ASSIST ME )
Attention to actual me, is what matters

Praise, for my efforts, appreciation of my efforts and of who I am. Reassurement of my ways

Like a dog. If I feel good and taken care of, I'll be more motivated to do the same thing... lol

I guess thats why I looked and believed in relationships so much, because I thought that they would give these feelings to me. 

And maybe in some relationships it does happen, but its irrelevant because it is not like that right now

and I dont need a relationship to give me all of this exactly

I want relationships to become "free" in my head , heart and my life. I dont want them to be ANYTHING, other then what they are. Just 2 people being together and being a team
while everything else comes from somewhere else, from my own individual effort

stop all this naive stuff of hoping for easy ways, hoping for nice thigns to happen, hoping hoping hoping hoping

FUCK YOU

sigh

if i was in games same as i am in my own life, i would be a fucking NOOB

thats why games were always so great, it made me focused, it made me try, and i would evolve

i always had to face my weaknesses ( naivety, hope, trying to stand out, too stubborn, too aggressive, no motivation to follow the rules etc. ) in games, and always had to overcome them to improve. And when I did, I felt SOO FUCKING FREE. It was great to feel victorious over your own weaknesses 

but i never fixed them in my real life, i should do that

sigh i forgot half of my thoughts, this will do

==

Ive always done things for myself, i thought I did
and often it felt like i did

but the things just werent GOOD ENOUGH AND WERENT ENOUGH OF THEM

 I believed that everything ive done was "my thing" while all of what I ever "was" was something else mirrored through me, I want to become myself

and only at specific few times in life i've been really really myself

but my real self is so out there, that there is just nothing to compare, its scary , it was always kept down, cuz i thought that its something else

i was ashamed of myself as everyone is always so close midned and judging things, and many of the things which were judged, were the things id like

before i could speak up my mind, or do something , there always happened something where someone close to me would say that its absolutely retarded and only subhumans do that kind of things ~~

just very confused being, i am

but its time to get out and become myself

there are many experiences in life where i came up to the same conclusion, but never sticked to it for long period of time, the confusion always overpowered me in the end

if you read some posts of 1 year ago or 3 years ago, i say same exact things as i am saying now 

but only now i understand that its not the beast what strying to get out, but actual me, who gives me power and energy and motivation

doesnt matter if he is bad or not, i must let it go and see what happens, else its not living

Evaldas Paulauskas evaldascrow@gmail.com

7:31 PM (0 minutes ago)
to Julie
even when talking to you, i always would project the things i wanted to tell myself

about accepting myself, letting it go, not fearing myself and not having to hold back, loving your ugly self

those are all the things i projected, while i thought that i am saying it for YOU, while in reality i was telling it to myself as well