Tuesday, August 9, 2016

123123crowowo reporting in123123123

It is important to know what do you feel exactly.
It is important to know how to deal with those feelings

Without that knowledge everything what happens in your life may or may not be understood for what it actually is, hence you will end up doing bad decisions and hurting yourself for no reason ( not useful kind of hurt )

There are few major things which keep me down in my current life and have kept me down up until now. It took me a while to narrow it down, but its really simple stuff in the end

my negatives: lack of love/lonely, lack of purpose/motivation/CONFUSED about what to do ( causes stress, anxiety, amplifies loneliness )

These feelings, these negatives came in different shapes in my life:
  1. being confused in games, trying to find myself in them
  2. having weird, unclear ideas on relationships, love , sex 
  3. being a rebel and ruining things, just for the sake of finding my thing
  4. isolating myself
  5. looking for other "weirdos" to connect with
  6. failing to find anything i was looking for, because it is not there in the first place = making myself feel only worse, and suicidal every day
Yeah something like that. Honestly im not super inspired as im writing this, im just too lazy to go to the shop and move on with my day, so im writing down the last bit of my thoughts ~~

What matters to me is to feel appreciated and loved. It doesn't have to come from anybody though. 
To be loved, is not to AIM to be loved. It is simply to feel loved, that is all it is. First step is to allow yourself to feel those things. When you think that someone has to be there for you and express warm feelings towards you for you to feel love, you block those feelings off when they are not. You become dependent on another person to open those gates you've set up. That is not right way. All the best things come from within, that is generally the universal law of how things go. Nobody can MAKE you feel anything, your body is the receptor of everything what happens, so naturally you must ALLOW things to be felt, you are the gate.

Another thing which matters to me is purpose, knowing what to dedicate my energy on, belief. It is again a rather similar thing. You must allow yourself to believe that what you are doing is the right thing. But to honestly do that, it requires focus and attention and consistent updating and reviews on the thing that you are actually doing. Or at least once in a while. I guess a romantic way to describe that would be : " Listen to whats going on " or even more vaguely haha" Hear yourself "

Allow yourself the things you seek, as it is impossible to find, unless you allow your body to feel it and sense it

Give yourself time off and listen to yourself.

Those are the good ways to sustain your personal growth. They are so broad and indirect, that its basically impossible to go wrong with them

old vid

Sunday, July 24, 2016

strats 2016

******************************************************************************************  TS, TR, AI, SV, EI, NI, LR ( gera cup maps ) *************
extra notes; Masanory upgrades!!!! Speed up the tech on paladin bo, see the results

VS HUMAN | banish/flame/flame/drain/flame  ( banish only to harass lvl 1 and to take expansion safely by banishing WE's )
bloodmage footmen start ; banish 1st; watch human closely from all sides with bloodmage and footmen, dont take damage. When he commits to orange camp jack him INSTANTLY and banish his WE. *TIMING VERY IMPORTANT*. Buy boots/staff 100%. Farm same time with militia, and aim for lvl 3 bloodmage easy.
Defend your base!
1. human expanded t1 = keep making footmen, add priests with dispel, ivory tower counter expansion with banish. Rush tier 3 knights + few copters
2. human normal = get level 3 from any source. Make breakers only and tech tier 3. Use 1 breaker to always scout where human is, with everybody else go into human base and staff in, flamestrike peasants/farms. ( buy mana pot ) TP out. Do zeppelin drop + shredder/units if available. Defend 100% full force if human is all inning your base. Do not trade!!!!
3. human tier 2 expansion = Split into 2 groups. Footmen go to expansion/main, breakers go to main/expasion. Go with bloodmage to expansion and flamestrike, once human comes, staff to breakers and kill his main base. TP out. Repeat. ( easy with constant breaker scout ) get knights and counter expand or right click his expansion town hall and kill it. (if ahead by alot)


VS ELF | drain mage
archmage footmen start or bloodmage footmen ; go into riflecasters or rifles only with armor upgrades + Alchemist 2nd ( with bloodmage )

AM start = farm lvl 2, get boots, attack only to cancel buildings if at all


VS ORC |  24 food tech footmen start/closed base.
pala start into bloodmage rifles ; or bloodmage footmen start into pala rifles ( open maps, where its too dangerous to farm AT ALL )

Need 2 heroes to expand onto the map, so do the fast tech 3:00 with rifle start if going for the paladin ( ts,ai?,ei?,ni,lr? )

Orc aggressive t1 = Wait until night, and then militia suicide into nearby shop + buy dust. / if not close, wait until bloodmage is made
orc passive = just farm greens and then again once night suicide into nearby shop and buy dust. Right click blade whenever he comes and surround Paladin

Options for later ; suicide into burrows tp out / call all militia once at least 0/2 rifles and shop control (for healscrolls), block orc and all in.

VS UNDEAD | fast tech 3:00 with rifle start
paladin bloodmage 2nd . *Dont be lazy and pimp out rifles 0/2 and 0/3 later, or else they are free feed. ( same as gryphs )*
Contest the camps on the map, bloodmage zones with siphon mana. ( prioritize shops etc. ), once you win a fight by provoking the undead ( you will due to t2 upgrades ), take red camps and other priority camps.
If undead is not harassing instantly, pull everything go to biggest camp around. Punish their waste of time. If he allows my paladin to get fed, I dont need to be fair and can just go buy myself staff/boots and gay him all day all night, while I wait for bloodmage to be made ( delayed )
farm on map left = rifles + stay t2 , finish all the upgrades + stack items ( healscrolls, invul pots ).
Once 2/2 rifles and 50 food = build 2nd barax
No farm on map left or nearly / good advantage over undead = tech t3 and build 3 aviaries
Undead stuck in base = expand,but only worth expanding if you have gryphons and t3 available.

Friday, July 22, 2016

More more more more more more

Wake up
Decide on what do you want in life, at least approximately
Use your current knowledge and experience to figure out the best ways you can contribute to those goals TODAY
Then you have no real excuse not to do those things anymore. If you actually decide on the best ways to achieve your goal, what kind of excuse do you have not to do it? Just dont think of the things you think you are unable to do, and do what you think you are able to do

Suddenly your life is moving into direction you want. The speed depends, but you are moving, and that is hope and possitive feelings which will only make you stronger


Thursday, July 21, 2016

This is good, but what is best in life?

Playing league of legends - pretty fun, pretty challenging. But why do it? its not that groundbreakingly fun. My reasoning was to have a project/plan involving it, making a good popular guide and tying up some loose knots etc.. But this plan doesn't actually lead to anywhere, it doesn't grow. IT IS SHIT

If I were to stop and think about what is fun, I could think of a dozen of things which I could get up and do or sit down ( at a computer ) and just do. But I don't want to, they feel empty and lifeless. I always brushed it off as depression or some other kind of excuse, but what it actually is, is my body telling me, IT DOESN'T LEAD ANYWHERE!!! DON'T DO IT!!! "this is good, but what is best in life?" this is what my body asks me

I could play Test drive and film walkthroughs, I could play all of my favourite racing games, all of my favourite old FPS games, I could sit down and grind a street fighter or any other fighter game to get good at in few years, I could play league and make guides and kick ass in top lane, I could cook delicious food sit down and play visual novels all day, I could install MTA and just drift around the mountains all day beating scrubs with my extreme drifting technique, I could aim to beat the classic games on SNES both the rpgs and the hard action games, I could grind tohou, I could go lay down under a tree, I could go for a walk, I could go to any river or lake and go for a swim, I could go take a hot bath right now, I could eat ice cream and chill, I could go on adventure, I could travel, I could learn a language . IT DOESN'T MATTER, all of those things feel good, but they all FAIL at ONE IMPORTANT THING WHICH IS THE MAIN MOTIVATION, THE MAIN REASON TO DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which is

They do not grow into anything, they do not expand into anything out there, they do not connect me to the world of opportunity.

And I mean ME. I am bad at most of those things. I am not an extraordinary traveler or entertaining gamer personality. I cannot grow any of these things into something bigger out there!

There are 2 options. Be a marketer / support kind of person who takes ideas and grows them, or be a passion / skilled person who enjoys excelling at things and those things marketing him by themselves. I am the second category 90% and marketer only like 10%

I want to be connected to life by my skills and abilities. So why the fuck do I use my time on anything else? Being connected in life, out there in the sea of opportunity and life. THAT IS THE BEST!! That is the feeling of freedom joy and being alive and purpose

This is what gives reason and purpose to wake up and train, this is the source of all of this DIVINE power.

Just some more analysis and examples from my life when it comes to this feeling :

Back a as a super tiny kid (10years old~) I dreamed of joining a foot ball team in the city and playing football. Now that I analyse that memory, it was because I thought that in the city i'd be connected to life and I could prove myself with my skills, train hard and grow/participate in life. This is why I wanted to be on a football team.

When I was 13 years old, I started playing warcraft 3. My main motivation was to have a thing I could do everyday, something I could invest my time on instead of wasting my time on, on simple pleasures. I wanted to grow and train, be cool, strong, and become independant with my ability once I win tournaments. I felt like everything DEPENDS ON ME, and if it does, then I CAN DO IT!! I can live this fucking life, I am SOMEBODY, I CAN DO THIS, I CAN JOIN THE LIFE WITH MY SKILLS, and not have to do bullshit jobs and school which everybody says for you to do. I wanted to carve my own path, with my own sweat

Those were my childhood motivations for things. I don't believe they ever change, maybe in everybody. I always look back at my child hood for clarity and inspiration on how my feelings work. And in this case, it is true once again, my feelings haven't changed.

So what do I do now to actually live a life worthy of my motivations and dreams?
What is best in life?

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Is it even possible

Is it even possible to feel bad if you are able to do what you want?
( and in worst case, if you know what you want, but you cant do it now, then it becomes a legit motivating goal to reach that thing, or you can always find an alternative to the thing which you want and deal with it after some time of grief )

I don't know, doesn't seem so right now.

If I think about it. All the things which used to stress me out, or still do, things which make me feel powerless or lose motivation etc. They all have one thing in common - I don't actually give a shit about them. I JUST DONT WANT TO DO THEM!!!!!!!!!!! WOWWWWW

ITS SO SIMPLE, YET, so hard to come to a real realization about it.

The previous list I made was still toooo PUSSIFIED, too NORMAL, too little ME in there.


Exploration / sense of adventure/ excitement / new ideas / fresh inspiration / discovery / Satisfaction / fulfillment / purpose

1. Read "Think and grow rich"
2. Grab a notepad and go outside.
3. Organize / write on blog
4. Night walk

Joy / fun / self expression / focused on the moment / challenge

1. Warcraft 3 + wc3 related things ( commentary, replay recording, guide improvement )
2. Finish Rally xtreme + stream/video it. ( make a new blog page where I track progress )
3. League of Legends ( garen only, guide improvement )
4. Take a hot bath and lay down / go for a walk /  or take a cold shower ( variation LOL )
5. Work out in any way

Taking it easy / taking time to yourself / do nothing special at all / feel cozy

1.  Play "the longest journey"
2. Cook food and eat it in peace
3. Watch anime

Dealing with problems / issues / GHAY THINGS FUCK THIS SHIT AHHHHH

1. Look for a job and FIND ONE!!!
** extra motivation ** 
Why do this?
To pay off the debt, to be free, to be able to travel, to buy new PC gear and kick ass, to explore new possibilities in life, to save up for the future business, to help Julie and family if need to, to fund my own ideas, save up for that sweet ride, for that sweet vacation anywhere, for a fight stick to own all those nerds in street fighter, for a fucking dakimura LOL, for a expensive matress, for fabulous clothes and shoes, for plane tickets to anywhere in the world and GO OOUT THERE, to fund nerds like me in tough times, to feel like a part of society. It is all for the greater good
** extra motivation /end **

Companionship / friendship / connection with others

1. Talk and hang out with Julie !!!
2. meet with contempt


With these slight updates the list is much better. Now when I look at ANY point in the list, I can actually imagine myself doing it and not feeling BAD LOL

( learning german, normal looking for work ~~ etc.... )


This is fucking cool video. Skull girls is a fighting game, but this character can go into trumpet mode and they made a song together hahahha

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Stress free way of living

The morning routine, a way to start a day

It is the most important thing basically. Start good, and you are on the roll. Need to brain wash myself to get into this right step every time I wake up, no matter the time of the day. A lot of that depends on the night before sleep as well. I talked a lot about listening to yourself and satisfying your feelings in the way that you find satisfactory, and the best way to listen to what you are feeling is to just get up and do something and then see what you are feeling while/after doing that. Hence the morning routine is even BETTER for these things. BE STRAIGHT FORWARD. THAT IS HOW I AM. TOO MANY OPTIONS IS STRESSFUL AND BAD AHHH

  2. ROLL MY EYES AROUND!!! ( impossible to be sleepy if you do that )
BAM FINISHED. After that I am actually functioning and not being sucked in by bed as always

Before sleep :

  1. hot bath/shower
  2. brush teeth/shave/take it easy
  3. turn off the computer PLEASEEEEE
If this is done, my day quality will go up by 999999999% and you know that


This is something what I should change over time as I get bored or fed up or finished with things. But for now it should stay the way I write it and commit to these things!!

Exploration / sense of adventure/ excitement / new ideas / fresh inspiration / discovery / Satisfaction / fulfillment / purpose

1. Read "Think and grow rich"
2. Grab a notepad and go outside.
3. Organize
4. Night walk

Joy / fun / self expression / focused on the moment / challenge

1. Warcraft 3 + wc3 related things ( commentary, replay recording, guide improvement )
2. Finish Rally xtreme + stream/video it. ( make a new blog page where I track progress )
3. League of Legends ( garen only, guide improvement )

Taking it easy / taking time to yourself / do nothing special at all / feel cozy

1.  Play "the longest journey"
2. Cook and eat something tasty, get comfortable

Dealing with problems / issues

1. Look for a job
2. Go jogging and light strength exercises
3. Write on the blog
4. Learn some german

Companionship / friendship / connection with others

1. Talk and hang out with Julie !!!
2. meet with contempt

Monday, July 18, 2016

Thoughts, self improvement, realization


Writing games

Creativity games

Relaxing games

Morning routine games

Getting motivated for work games

Socializing games

Opening up and finding what you want games

Self expression games

Self improvement games

Being open, looking into your heart and just asking what do you need, instead of going all logical and discussional about everything

do you think there is something out there to figure out, to think of, some kind of solution to your problems which you can solve by thinking and by 

being logical, or to find out there, somewhere?

The feeling you felt when we got very close, the feeling when you played tohou and simply had fun. How did it feel, and why?

Fact is. There is nothing out there. Everything you need, you already have in you to live a happy life. Stuff out there, can only serve the purpose of 

reminding you of things you already have. What is even more important than that, is to stop being aiming for things out there and look into yourself, 

and the real issues you have with your current moment in life

"i want stability and want my life to go in the direction i want or else what's the point"

How would you feel, describe to me a stable Julies life?

What is stopping you from feeling that way now?  

Why not live a stable life starting RIGHT NOW? 

Isn't it just an excuse. To tell yourself that the answer is out there somewhere, and avoid looking into yourself.

As it hurts and its HARD WORK, it strains your  mind to look into yourself. That is just a testament to how bad and untrained we are at it. But it is 

the most important thing out there 100% NO LIES 100% PROMISE

THERE IS NOTHING ELSE, but this when it comes to feeling good
Eradicate Fear by Taking Small, Relentless Steps. | 10 things before going to  bed, 10 when waking up. Find out what I need to do!!

Engage in activities that keep you in the moment.

Avoid the 24/7 always on lifestyle.

Turn off lights, music, news, equipment, and most importantly, the mind
Train Your Brain with Visualization

To get yourself to do something that scares you, you need to visualize yourself doing it first. And you need to visualize it over and over because 

repetition is how your brain masters new skills.

And if you consistently visualize it every day (and all you really need is just thirty seconds daily), you’ll start to mentally master the action. Then 

all your body has to do is follow through.

The key to effective visualization is to involve excruciating detail.

You need to visualize what it’s going to look like just as much as what it’s going to sound, feel, and emote like. You also need to imagine how you’ll 

react to different possible scenarios, including the worst possible outcome.

What will you do if you fail? What will the alternative actions be? How will you feel?

When you mentally train yourself to deal with potential failure, you won’t give up when that bump in the road actually happens.
Run Toward the Pain

As human beings we naturally seek refuge in comfort.

Our minds and bodies are content following familiar patterns and routines, conserving energy and hiding from the scary unknown.

Unfortunately, that means we become dependent on external aids like smartphones to do difficult tasks and any strenuous thinking for us. This 

discomfort-avoiding behavior rubs off onto other areas of our lives: one minute you’re avoiding the pain of being alone by scrolling through Facebook, 

the next you may be avoiding your feelings after losing someone close to you, inhibiting your ability to move forward.
1. It is a powerful reminder to find a way to make the day count.
“Today is not over yet.”

“To honor and accept one’s shadow is a profound spiritual discipline. It’s whole-making and thus holy and the most important experience of a lifetime.”

We get super pissed off. Or we want to hide. Or we push away those we love, and wall off. We want to numb the pain. Or cover it up.

In reality when doing something, you feel calm or joy. That is the real THING THEN. Else you are trying to mask it with something else. ( negatives )

I was all that was left. And if that was it, then by God I was going to love her.
And what did loving myself really mean?
It meant accepting myself enough to allow myself to be a mess.
To not apologize 100 times for every single mistake, or kill myself over them.
To humbly say to others and myself, this is it.
And then, somehow, I started to accept others like myself. They got to be messes too. And my heart opened.

Know that after good experiences, “bad” things will happen.

After expansion, we always contract. And that means nothing about us.
Life brings us lemons so that we can discover how to go deeper and closer to our true selves. Once we’ve hit one level, there’s always another.
We can have some good days where everything is great, and then WHOA, something steps in that challenges us to grow.
I’ve come to accept that I will eventually lose momentum after being in the flow.
The good news about feeling bad is that when we get thrown off course, each letdown strengthens our spirit when we find our way out.
“Downtimes” are our ally. Without “bad,” “good” wouldn’t exist, and just like life, we learn to roll with it. What’s most important is how we acknowledge and validate our being human as truly enough.
“When fear wakes up inside, and there is no place to run away or hide from it, consider it a gift. In all the glory of that discomfort, know there is refuge in surrender.”
 “life is a constant cycle of tension and release.”
Attempting to control my life and to eliminate all painful situations did not cure my anxiety. If anything, it made it worse. So often the dread of doing things I didn’t want to do was ten times more painful than the actual task itself, but I was too caught up in my suffering to realize this.
The more I tried to push out the bad things in my life, the more I reinforced that they were intolerable, and the worse things began to seem. Slowly, this avoidance trap made my life smaller and smaller. Things became more and more painful, until I felt uncomfortable even at home.
Because of this, I would avoid situations where I could not take the steps I wanted to control my environment. Because I developed such strict standards for deeming my environment “safe,” I missed out on a lot.
Rushing, self victimization, blame, any feeling which is not POSSITIVE and USEFUL, is A MASK!!!!!!!! FOR CANCER FEELINGS AND FEAR, AND AVOIDING THE REAL ISSUE. The only moments when you get "work" done and improve yourself and how you feel, is when you focus on yourself and your feelings RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are a warm, intelligent woman—just live the best honest life you can.

Feelings which are important:
  1. Exploration / sense of adventure/ excitement / new ideas / fresh inspiration / discovery
  2. Joy / fun / self expression / focused on the moment / challenge
  3. Satisfaction / fulfillment / purpose
  4.  Taking it easy / taking time to yourself / do nothing special at all / feel cozy
  5. Dealing with problems / issues
  6. Companionship / friendship / connection with others

 So how do you feel those feelings in a way which is nice for yourself?